Thursday, July 07, 2005

Al Qaeda Group Claims Responsibility for London Bombings

An organization known as "The Group of the Secret Organisation of al-Qaeda in Europe" has now taken responsibility for the bomb attacks in London. If there is such an organization, it has been operating unbeknownst to European authorities. That's scary. What might that tell us about the effectiveness of our investigation mechanisms? If a dormant terrorist cell can exist and operate in London without detection, how many dormant and heretofore unidentified Al Qaeda cells might be operating here in the U.S.?

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. My apologies. How "manipulative" of me to "play on your fears" of violence and death! Let's try this again: "Please calm down, citizen. The important thing is not to overreact. The nation's borders are well-nigh inconvenient to cross without official-looking papers! In just the past four years alone, we have already placed multiple known terrorists on special 'heightened airport security' lists which are available to, and in many cases routinely checked by, airport personnel! To cite just one example, LAX has now assigned a Cinnabon checkout girl to review the security list at least once a week and to keep an eye out for anything suspicious. To date, she has identified at least one passenger as bearing a remarkable resemblance to George Harrison. In going through that particular passenger's luggage, we found several nudie magazines, one featuring a woman who bore a particularly Irish appearance, and a story by an author having a name similar to that of a known Basque separatist. The passenger in question had no good faith explanation for this whatsoever. Airport security personnel are still in the process of reviewing the evidence, but an indictment is expected soon. And that's just one example of the vigilance and professionalism with which we approach our duties every working day. Trust us, citizen. Everything is going doubleplusgood. You seem agitated. Perhaps you should take an extra dose of Soma today."


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